ŞTEFAN MACOVSCHI
Self-Portrait: About Me, Depression, and Self-Recovery Through Art
Eng. Ștefan Macovschi
Beneficiary of the Social Care Service, DGASPC sector 1, Bucharest
After a childhood full of mischief, I continued to be restless at school; I couldn’t find my place, I was always talking, and I was present if someone wanted to go after cherry plums or cherries or to play football in the schoolyard. I had a system adapted to my taste, more accessible than shackled or locked in a house or school. I tried all sorts of sports: football, fencing, table tennis, tennis, athletics, basketball, polo, boxing, and judo, and finally finished with rugby in high school. I was an average student at school, and I stayed like that; I never excelled at anything.
Then came high school (1999-2004), and here I chose High School No. 11 from Bucharest, located in the Crângași neighborhood, where I felt excellent in the mathematics-informatics section. I was already intelligent and intellectual; I smoked cigarettes like I was swallowing oxygen, not smoke (some of you know what I mean). Also, in high school, we had a group of “crazy” people with whom we would go to parties when one of us celebrated a birthday. I think high school was the best; we went to the beach, had a beer, and finally, were free. Without thinking about the future, the past didn’t matter. We all wanted to reach adulthood. I believe that this trend is still there, only that today children understand – erroneously – that it is better not to work after coming of age, than those of us from the older generation understood, for example, one born in 1985, like me.
In high school, in the 11th grade, at the age of seventeen, I also met the love of my life (at the time), A., a smart girl in many ways, who did things that, for me at the time, they weren’t essential, and I couldn’t even see them. I was still a child, barely walking on the ground. And I dreamed of everything, less of my future as a grown man.
I graduated from the Faculty of Hydrotechnics (2004-2009), at the Technical University of Constructions in Bucharest, and started looking for a job during the economic crisis. The job came in 2009, but only for one year, in construction. I started working as a storekeeper at a private company. I worked there for 3 1/2 years, this being my last job as a man on two legs.
After 10 years together – including a 4-year engagement – the relationship ended. Unfortunately, my partner proved that she did not intend to marry me. I didn’t manage to get over this significant moment in my life, and I went into depression; I couldn’t sleep anymore. In two months, I went from 95 kg to 80 kg, just through lack of sleep, even if, in the end, I had accepted the idea that I had to find another woman and rebuild what I had lost.
In July 2013, due to depression and lack of sleep, I decided to end my life and jumped from the 5th-floor balcony of the apartment block where I lived. However, Fate made me stay here and build another road I did not expect.
In 2015, I started a project – together with my parents Gabriela and Orest -called SOS4LIFE, through which I ended up helping 744 children to stay in school for two years; this project was present then in ten schools in Romania, located in the Danube Delta and Balotești commune. The project was carried out in parallel with my new job as a ride-sharing company driver in Bucharest. That’s how I managed to find the people to support me in the effort to equip every child with a schoolbag full of supplies every semester. Because I couldn’t find a job as an engineer or any other job, I tried something crazy in 2018 when I decided to emigrate to Sweden by myself. My desire was to be able to work for four or more hours. In our country, they didn’t accept me for a four-hour program at that time, justifying that I was overqualified for what jobs were available, and I was refused as such. In Sweden, in September, around the 11th, the conservatives went to the polls, and they changed – like here, arbitrarily – the legislation, and from inside Europe, they no longer received asylum applications at all, regardless of the reason, except those coming from the war zone. So, very soon, I returned home.
The year 2020 came with significant changes. I closed the non-profit association because I no longer had the right to do ride-sharing due to the new regulations; I started at the University of Oradea with a master’s degree in Fine Arts and Multimedia. In 2022, I finished my master’s degree – with a grade of 10, the highest – and I was thrilled because I managed to do it despite the impediments caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. The period 2020 – 2023 was my most prolonged creative “era”, a prolific one, when I found new ways to express myself, identified materials, and carried out many other experiments on my own, also being prompted by the coordinating teachers during the studies. The master’s experience, in my soul, remained extraordinary, and I do not regret that I did it.
In 2023, I started my activity as a specialist inspector at the Nazarcea Protected Unit, the largest in Romania, subordinated to the D.G.A.S.P.C. Sector 1. Here, I managed to integrate perfectly into a fantastic team that was quiet and full of energy. We all have problems of all kinds – except the coordinators – and that makes us feel at home (at least that’s how I think). My colleagues also give me the same impression that they come to work for pleasure and believe there is a sentiment of lightness floating in the air despite the work, which is sometimes quite demanding.
Because with small but consistent steps, I have overcome several episodes and kept my depression under control, I am here today to discuss this phenomenon. I can’t speak for other people, but I hope that new projects will appear in the future, with the help of which we can each tell our story as it is.
Now, let’s recap a little and see how depression manifests itself for me. After 2013, I was a different person, and everything I live now is under God’s blessing. It’s such a beautiful story, but also hard, as I don’t often know how to fight, and I didn’t even think much about it. I think this is the most valuable secret, not to think about the effort too much, because then you give up everything and the mental obstacles appear, then the physical ones. My depression started, as I said, in the year 2013. It came treacherously, with panic attacks when I was alone, then I couldn’t sleep, and even if I slept, the brain remained awake and did not rest. I couldn’t concentrate on anything at all, and the fear of death paled in front of the idea that I could torture my parents, and they would spoon-feed me in a bed. Then there was that “Superman” moment where nothing was “super,” but everything was… “just man.”… Not knowing what awaited me after that, I jumped, taking a step into the unknown.
Then, three months followed, and I hardly spoke to anyone except my parents, and that only happened in monosyllables. I couldn’t believe I had missed the jump and that my parents were devastated. Only later did I think about how much trouble I had brought to the family and how selfish and self-centered I could be. The earth does not revolve around anyone, it revolves around everyone. We are all equally important and innovative; we only have to reach the desired potential and beyond by working, where we must invest time, effort, and soul. After three months, I met Anca, a brilliant physiotherapist who got me talking with just a smile and an unflappable attitude. She is a wonderful person; she is the nicest lady I have ever worked with in physical therapy. Thanks to my friends Andrei and Flori, I got through the next period much easier, and they made me recalibrate my optics related to people, friends, friendships, etc. I realized that some people are there unconditionally when you need them, and you don’t even ask them. That’s what family is.
These are given to man only by divine grace; they are angels always among us, only we do not know or realize after the moment, much less often during the moment. The most important thing is to recognize them when we look at them in the eyes, and if we do that, then life is much more beautiful and harder but also more responsible for every being we meet. Healthy habits help a lot, and I’m working on that now: keeping all my healthy habits. The brain is the control panel and should not be taken care of at all. If you want to do sports, you fight; if you want to work, the same, except that the hours of sleep are sacred, and that’s how it should be for every human being. For a responsible and healthy life, we need a healthy brain; without it, we are like a shark that swims all our life without a break, responding impulsively to whatever life throws at us or puts us on the tray and without analyzing, without we do a self-analysis of what it actually represents. We all fall, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, into this temptation of quick reaction because it is at hand, but we do not all look at the mechanism and do not recover in time.
How does depression affect me at work? Simple, it doesn’t really affect me because I always find something to do, to look for, to solve; new challenges always appear, and as a team, we manage to overcome them. My team at the print shop is brilliant, and I wouldn’t want another team. Now, of course, I adapt anywhere and enjoy people in general. I think that’s the secret to a job, to like your work but, above all, the people you work with because they’re like family. Without seeing this, you arrive at work already stressed and without perceiving them that way – once you arrive stressed, you want to go home as quickly as possible so that you don’t see them again like this and stay stressed.
It is true that, after work, other challenges are always waiting for you, but they come in their own time. It’s good to stay, not let your mind run away too much! In art, depression manifests badly because you have no ideas for work, you do not know what you could create, and there is a complete lack of interest in the life of an artist that you want to do anything but paint, a single line on the canvas or to write it in pencil, on a sheet. So here I found an antidote.
I painted when I felt like it and when I didn’t. As appetite comes with eating, I always sought to change various things to adapt to a new rhythm, not to be bored immediately, or to leave a story unfinished.
So, when I don’t want anything, I start a new story or an already finished one and modify it. But it is sure that, in art, you forget about depression; you are free. It’s like swimming with your face in the water while breathing through a tube, running in the morning with the wind in your chest, or rollerblading while speeding up and doing various schemes. The simplest would be the mundane bicycle that takes you anywhere, anytime or the gym routine. All this gives you inner peace and the thought that you are on the right path and thus increases your self-esteem, providing you with the energy you need to move forward with your eyes closed, always with certainty. On the worst days, if you analyze yourself and change something, then the depression leaves you and goes out into the world. I watched an artist recently on a podcast who said that if he’s sad, he puts on a happy face and smiles; often, the sadness goes away with depression, and he gets on with his life. This is a good recipe. I’m going to start applying it myself more often.
Depression does not appear and disappear – like a cold – it remains inactive in a corner of the soul, but it can be reactivated. This is why rigor is the optimal work option, in addition to the medication the attending physician proposes.
Many times, tantrums can occur that you can’t control or can control and erupt at home out of nowhere. Because of this, depression is considered the disease of the century and is induced – among many others – by the overused digital technologies that tire the brain, capture and consume it as energy and us as humans. We’ve become enslaved by relying too much on technology, so we don’t know how to truly disconnect from it.
In 2024, I realized that education and order in life are the only things that can keep you afloat. These, along with the right people, family, and a healthy diet, clearly benefit the brain.
One piece of advice I could give would be to get deeply involved in an activity when you see that you are on the outside, carried away by thoughts in your mind. Do not exclude yourself from society; stay among people, smile, enjoy others, and enjoy life.
The last thing I want to add is that no matter how well you feel, I would recommend going to a one-month-to-three-month follow-up session with the doctor who treated your depressive episode to stay within normal limits and to avoid another episode, another recurrence. As we are constantly reminded, it is easier to prevent than to treat any disease, and depression is no different in this regard. I also believe that drawing and painting, under the supervision of an art therapist and at home, in the quiet of one’s home, is a beneficial component that adds to treatment and psychotherapies. As far as I’m concerned, for example, artistic creation gives me peace, inspiration, and motivation to continue living and leave something valuable in this world.
Beneficiary of the Social Care Service, DGASPC sector 1, Bucharest
After a childhood full of mischief, I continued to be restless at school; I couldn’t find my place, I was always talking, and I was present if someone wanted to go after cherry plums or cherries or to play football in the schoolyard. I had a system adapted to my taste, more accessible than shackled or locked in a house or school. I tried all sorts of sports: football, fencing, table tennis, tennis, athletics, basketball, polo, boxing, and judo, and finally finished with rugby in high school. I was an average student at school, and I stayed like that; I never excelled at anything.
Then came high school (1999-2004), and here I chose High School No. 11 from Bucharest, located in the Crângași neighborhood, where I felt excellent in the mathematics-informatics section. I was already intelligent and intellectual; I smoked cigarettes like I was swallowing oxygen, not smoke (some of you know what I mean). Also, in high school, we had a group of “crazy” people with whom we would go to parties when one of us celebrated a birthday. I think high school was the best; we went to the beach, had a beer, and finally, were free. Without thinking about the future, the past didn’t matter. We all wanted to reach adulthood. I believe that this trend is still there, only that today children understand – erroneously – that it is better not to work after coming of age, than those of us from the older generation understood, for example, one born in 1985, like me.
In high school, in the 11th grade, at the age of seventeen, I also met the love of my life (at the time), A., a smart girl in many ways, who did things that, for me at the time, they weren’t essential, and I couldn’t even see them. I was still a child, barely walking on the ground. And I dreamed of everything, less of my future as a grown man.
I graduated from the Faculty of Hydrotechnics (2004-2009), at the Technical University of Constructions in Bucharest, and started looking for a job during the economic crisis. The job came in 2009, but only for one year, in construction. I started working as a storekeeper at a private company. I worked there for 3 1/2 years, this being my last job as a man on two legs.
After 10 years together – including a 4-year engagement – the relationship ended. Unfortunately, my partner proved that she did not intend to marry me. I didn’t manage to get over this significant moment in my life, and I went into depression; I couldn’t sleep anymore. In two months, I went from 95 kg to 80 kg, just through lack of sleep, even if, in the end, I had accepted the idea that I had to find another woman and rebuild what I had lost.
In July 2013, due to depression and lack of sleep, I decided to end my life and jumped from the 5th-floor balcony of the apartment block where I lived. However, Fate made me stay here and build another road I did not expect.
In 2015, I started a project – together with my parents Gabriela and Orest -called SOS4LIFE, through which I ended up helping 744 children to stay in school for two years; this project was present then in ten schools in Romania, located in the Danube Delta and Balotești commune. The project was carried out in parallel with my new job as a ride-sharing company driver in Bucharest. That’s how I managed to find the people to support me in the effort to equip every child with a schoolbag full of supplies every semester. Because I couldn’t find a job as an engineer or any other job, I tried something crazy in 2018 when I decided to emigrate to Sweden by myself. My desire was to be able to work for four or more hours. In our country, they didn’t accept me for a four-hour program at that time, justifying that I was overqualified for what jobs were available, and I was refused as such. In Sweden, in September, around the 11th, the conservatives went to the polls, and they changed – like here, arbitrarily – the legislation, and from inside Europe, they no longer received asylum applications at all, regardless of the reason, except those coming from the war zone. So, very soon, I returned home.
The year 2020 came with significant changes. I closed the non-profit association because I no longer had the right to do ride-sharing due to the new regulations; I started at the University of Oradea with a master’s degree in Fine Arts and Multimedia. In 2022, I finished my master’s degree – with a grade of 10, the highest – and I was thrilled because I managed to do it despite the impediments caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. The period 2020 – 2023 was my most prolonged creative “era”, a prolific one, when I found new ways to express myself, identified materials, and carried out many other experiments on my own, also being prompted by the coordinating teachers during the studies. The master’s experience, in my soul, remained extraordinary, and I do not regret that I did it.
In 2023, I started my activity as a specialist inspector at the Nazarcea Protected Unit, the largest in Romania, subordinated to the D.G.A.S.P.C. Sector 1. Here, I managed to integrate perfectly into a fantastic team that was quiet and full of energy. We all have problems of all kinds – except the coordinators – and that makes us feel at home (at least that’s how I think). My colleagues also give me the same impression that they come to work for pleasure and believe there is a sentiment of lightness floating in the air despite the work, which is sometimes quite demanding.
Because with small but consistent steps, I have overcome several episodes and kept my depression under control, I am here today to discuss this phenomenon. I can’t speak for other people, but I hope that new projects will appear in the future, with the help of which we can each tell our story as it is.
Now, let’s recap a little and see how depression manifests itself for me. After 2013, I was a different person, and everything I live now is under God’s blessing. It’s such a beautiful story, but also hard, as I don’t often know how to fight, and I didn’t even think much about it. I think this is the most valuable secret, not to think about the effort too much, because then you give up everything and the mental obstacles appear, then the physical ones. My depression started, as I said, in the year 2013. It came treacherously, with panic attacks when I was alone, then I couldn’t sleep, and even if I slept, the brain remained awake and did not rest. I couldn’t concentrate on anything at all, and the fear of death paled in front of the idea that I could torture my parents, and they would spoon-feed me in a bed. Then there was that “Superman” moment where nothing was “super,” but everything was… “just man.”… Not knowing what awaited me after that, I jumped, taking a step into the unknown.
Then, three months followed, and I hardly spoke to anyone except my parents, and that only happened in monosyllables. I couldn’t believe I had missed the jump and that my parents were devastated. Only later did I think about how much trouble I had brought to the family and how selfish and self-centered I could be. The earth does not revolve around anyone, it revolves around everyone. We are all equally important and innovative; we only have to reach the desired potential and beyond by working, where we must invest time, effort, and soul. After three months, I met Anca, a brilliant physiotherapist who got me talking with just a smile and an unflappable attitude. She is a wonderful person; she is the nicest lady I have ever worked with in physical therapy. Thanks to my friends Andrei and Flori, I got through the next period much easier, and they made me recalibrate my optics related to people, friends, friendships, etc. I realized that some people are there unconditionally when you need them, and you don’t even ask them. That’s what family is.
These are given to man only by divine grace; they are angels always among us, only we do not know or realize after the moment, much less often during the moment. The most important thing is to recognize them when we look at them in the eyes, and if we do that, then life is much more beautiful and harder but also more responsible for every being we meet. Healthy habits help a lot, and I’m working on that now: keeping all my healthy habits. The brain is the control panel and should not be taken care of at all. If you want to do sports, you fight; if you want to work, the same, except that the hours of sleep are sacred, and that’s how it should be for every human being. For a responsible and healthy life, we need a healthy brain; without it, we are like a shark that swims all our life without a break, responding impulsively to whatever life throws at us or puts us on the tray and without analyzing, without we do a self-analysis of what it actually represents. We all fall, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, into this temptation of quick reaction because it is at hand, but we do not all look at the mechanism and do not recover in time.
How does depression affect me at work? Simple, it doesn’t really affect me because I always find something to do, to look for, to solve; new challenges always appear, and as a team, we manage to overcome them. My team at the print shop is brilliant, and I wouldn’t want another team. Now, of course, I adapt anywhere and enjoy people in general. I think that’s the secret to a job, to like your work but, above all, the people you work with because they’re like family. Without seeing this, you arrive at work already stressed and without perceiving them that way – once you arrive stressed, you want to go home as quickly as possible so that you don’t see them again like this and stay stressed.
It is true that, after work, other challenges are always waiting for you, but they come in their own time. It’s good to stay, not let your mind run away too much! In art, depression manifests badly because you have no ideas for work, you do not know what you could create, and there is a complete lack of interest in the life of an artist that you want to do anything but paint, a single line on the canvas or to write it in pencil, on a sheet. So here I found an antidote.
I painted when I felt like it and when I didn’t. As appetite comes with eating, I always sought to change various things to adapt to a new rhythm, not to be bored immediately, or to leave a story unfinished.
So, when I don’t want anything, I start a new story or an already finished one and modify it. But it is sure that, in art, you forget about depression; you are free. It’s like swimming with your face in the water while breathing through a tube, running in the morning with the wind in your chest, or rollerblading while speeding up and doing various schemes. The simplest would be the mundane bicycle that takes you anywhere, anytime or the gym routine. All this gives you inner peace and the thought that you are on the right path and thus increases your self-esteem, providing you with the energy you need to move forward with your eyes closed, always with certainty. On the worst days, if you analyze yourself and change something, then the depression leaves you and goes out into the world. I watched an artist recently on a podcast who said that if he’s sad, he puts on a happy face and smiles; often, the sadness goes away with depression, and he gets on with his life. This is a good recipe. I’m going to start applying it myself more often.
Depression does not appear and disappear – like a cold – it remains inactive in a corner of the soul, but it can be reactivated. This is why rigor is the optimal work option, in addition to the medication the attending physician proposes.
Many times, tantrums can occur that you can’t control or can control and erupt at home out of nowhere. Because of this, depression is considered the disease of the century and is induced – among many others – by the overused digital technologies that tire the brain, capture and consume it as energy and us as humans. We’ve become enslaved by relying too much on technology, so we don’t know how to truly disconnect from it.
In 2024, I realized that education and order in life are the only things that can keep you afloat. These, along with the right people, family, and a healthy diet, clearly benefit the brain.
One piece of advice I could give would be to get deeply involved in an activity when you see that you are on the outside, carried away by thoughts in your mind. Do not exclude yourself from society; stay among people, smile, enjoy others, and enjoy life.
The last thing I want to add is that no matter how well you feel, I would recommend going to a one-month-to-three-month follow-up session with the doctor who treated your depressive episode to stay within normal limits and to avoid another episode, another recurrence. As we are constantly reminded, it is easier to prevent than to treat any disease, and depression is no different in this regard. I also believe that drawing and painting, under the supervision of an art therapist and at home, in the quiet of one’s home, is a beneficial component that adds to treatment and psychotherapies. As far as I’m concerned, for example, artistic creation gives me peace, inspiration, and motivation to continue living and leave something valuable in this world.
Collection
